Spare the rod, spoil the child

"He who spares the rod hates his son,

but he who loves him is careful to discipline him."

Proverbs 13:24 (New International Version)

When it comes to discipline, there are two different views.  One view is "violence breeds violence" so you don't hit a child.  Now this is true.  When my father was violent with me, I became violent with him and tried to fight back.  I also became violent with others.

The other camp is that children need discipline.  Proverbs 22:15 states that "Folly is bound up in a heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him." (New International Version) Folly is a Biblical word for foolishness.  From the adult perspective, children can act pretty foolish at times.

So to understand the difference from abuse and discipline, let's take a look at what discipline is.  Discipline means "to teach".  Punishment is exactly that.  A child is being punished for what they did.  So which makes more sense: to punish a child for doing wrong or teach the child what they did wrong so they will not repeat it.

Also, a child needs positive touches also.  Hugs. A pat on the back.  A high-five.  If you ever see a child flinch when someone goes to touch them, that could be a "red flag" that something isn't right with that relationship.  If a child receives positive touches, then when they are being disciplined they know they are still loved.  After the act of discipline, talk with the child to make sure they understand what they did wrong and why they were disciplined (why you didn't approve of what they did and what you prefer them to do right).

Abuse is when marks are left on the body.  Parents use many ways to abuse children.  Flyswatters leave marks.  Cigarettes.  If you see a perfect round mark on a child the size of a cigarette (again a "red flag").  Parents have sat their child in scalding water or their feet.

Abuse just isn't physical.  There is also verbal abuse, mental abuse and neglect.  These last three are harder to prove.  The following poster shows what is left behind in a child if the child survives the abuse.

When we were kids we used the little rhyme:  "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me".  WRONG!!!!  Names do hurt and leave emotional scars.

You Want Me To Do What?!

God, look at all I have done for you.  I have taught youth ever since I went to Bible college.  And You want me to do what?!  I have worked in two Christian schools.  And You want me to do what?!  I have been the minister for two churches. And You want me to do what?!  I have been the youth minister for three churches.  And you want me to do what?!  I was involved with church camp; I was a teacher, a dean, a representative, on the board of directors, and I even implemented a new camp for second graders.  And you want me to do what?!

There are some things that God asks/tells us to do through His Word in the Bible. Like for instance being immersed in baptism; that's easy enough.  Meeting around the Lord's table each week; that's easy enough.

But then there are some things that God asks/tells us to do that we argue with Him or question Him.  There are times that we wrestle with God's Word.  Moses did when he was told to go back to Egypt to lead the Hebrews out of slavery.  Abraham did when he was told he was going to have a child in his old age.  Gideon did when he was told to go fight the enemy.  Isaiah did when he was told to take God's message to the Israelites.

I have wrestled with God's Word.  For years I wrestled with the command to honor your father and mother.  I had my excuses just like Moses, Abraham, Gideon and Isaiah. 

Back in 1973, I was in the fifth grade.  My father was not able to work due to a back injury.  He had worked in a feed mill.  I don't remember what he did to hurt it, but I do remember him being in the hospital in traction for his back.  He also went through back surgery.  Unfortunately, medical advances weren't what they are now.

He also dealt with depression and suicidal tendencies.  He was in the psych ward numerous times.  He was also an alcoholic.  He would take his pain pills for his back with his beer.  He would overdose and my mom would rush him to the hospital to have his stomach pumped.  This occurred more than once.  He also would slit his wrist trying to commit suicide; but never deep enough to succeed.

Also in 1973 was the physical abuse.  One time he hit me with his cane.  It left a bruise on my left arm.  He told me if anyone asked what happened, to tell them I had a wreck on my bicycle (my parents had just bought me a new 26 inch 10 speed).

This abuse caused severe anger in me (before there was anger management classes).  I would try to fight back, but I was nine years old and he was 24 years older than me.  I was angry at him and I told him I couldn't wait until I was old enough to "cuss him out even if it was over his grave".  I had so much anger that I got in a fight with my best friend in sixth grade and hit him in the forehead with a stick, causing him to need stitches and causing me to get my first and only paddling in school.

Well, thankfully my mom wasn't going to put up with it anymore and we moved out.  In 1975 we moved in the house that my mom would later buy.  However, our landlady invited me to church.  I accepted and in 1976 I was baptized, immersed for the forgiveness of my sins and to receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.  God took the anger away.  However, I could not forget the abuse or forgive my father.

Every time I would here a lesson on honoring your father and mother I would think to myself "but you don't know what my father did to me".  I wasn't as open about the abuse then as I am now.  I even taught youth to honor their parents.  It was "do as I say and not as I do".  Then one time Jane and I were co-sponsors of a senior high youth group.  It was the other males sponsor's turn to have the lesson.  His lesson was on honoring your parents.  He made a statement that we need to honor our parents even though they were deceased.  Ouch! He stepped right on my toes.  Some of the wall was chipped away and I started to forgive.  You see, my father committed successfully committed suicide on March 25, 1977.

It was my eighth grade year.  I was in band class and my mom's best friend came to take me out of school.  I knew her and mom were spending the day together so I thought something had happened to mom.  We walked to the car and there was mom.  No explanation.  As we were driving out of town to my mom's friend's house, we had to pass my dad's place.  There was an ambulance there.  I said "there's an ambulance at dad's".  That's when mom told me he had shot himself.  My response: "Oh".

Then in the late 90s, I attended a support group for families of alcoholics.  A lady in our church was married to an alcoholic.  I attended with her to give her support.  As the sessions continued, it was me that was receiving support.  I started to open up and share.  Finally I was able to forgive.  I still haven't forgotten.

While studying for my Master degree, a fellow student stated that we were not victims but survivors.  Some don't survive the physical abuse.  Some survive the physical, but the mental scars may never heal...

Surviving,
Jeff

Wrestling with God

"So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak."

Genesis 32:24 (New International Version)

Jacob was quite a character.  Even while still in the womb he caused problems.  Jacob had a twin borther named Easu and while their mother was giving birth, Jacob had ahold of Easu's heel.  That's why he was named Jacob.

But let's go back before the conception of these two boys.  Their father was Isaac.  He was the promised child to Abraham and Sarah.  It was through Isaac that Abraham's descendants would be as numerous as the stars in the sky and the sand on the seashore.

Jacob and Easu were your typical siblings.  And even though they were twins, they wre nothing alike.  Esau like the outdoors and Jacob was...how shall I put it...well, he was a momma's boy.  So Rebecca (Jacob and Esau's mom) favored Jacob and Issac enjoyed the wild game that Easu brought home.

One time Easu had been out and came home famished.  He thought he was going to starve to death.  You know how dramatic kids can be when they are hungry.  Well Jacob was making a pot of stew.  Easu demanded Jacob to give him some of the stew.  Jacob made a deal with Easu that if Easu would give Jacob his birthright, then Jacob would give him some stew.  Now Esau was the firstborn, therefore making him the older twin.  The firstborn son always received this.  Easu is so hungry he can't think straight and asks what good will the birthright be if he starves to death.

Not only did the firstborn receive the birthright, but they also received a special blessing from the father.  One day Issac sends Easu out to get some wild game and then Issac would give Easu the blessing.  Well, Rebecca over hears this and devises a plan with Jacob.

Not only did Jacob and Easu have different interests, they were different physically.  Jacob was smooth-skinned while Easu was hairy.  Rebecca's plan was for Jacob to pretend to be Easu to get the blessing.  So he questions his mother's plan.  She tells him to go outside and kill two young goats and she is going to prepare them just as Issac likes them.  Then to make Jacob hairy like Easu, she put the goatskins on his hands and neck...just in case Issac would touch him.  Jacob also wore some of Easu's clothes to have the scent of Easu.

So Rebecca fixes the goats and bakes some bread, gives it to Jacob, and he takes it to Issac.  Jacob goes in and greets his father.  Issac is a little suspicious.  He asks how "Easu" (who is Jacob) returned so quickly.   Jacob lies and says that God gave it to him.  Issac then tells Jacob to come close so he could touch him.  Issac is still suspicious.  Issac states that the voice is that of Jacob but he is hairy like Easu.  Still being suspicious, Issac asks Jacob if he was really Easu.  Again Jacob lies and and answers "I am".  Issac ate and told Jacob to give him a kiss.  He smelled Easu's clothes and blessed Jacob.

Now the real Easu returns.  He fixes the food, brings it to his father and tells Issac to sit up and eat so he could receive the blessing.  Issac asks Easu who he was.  Easu answers, "your firstborn, Easu."  Issac tells Easu that he has already given a blessing.  Easu bursts out with a loud and bitter cry.

Issac dies and the period of mourning is observed.  Easu starts to plan to kill his brother Jacob after the period of mourning is finished.  Rebecca finds out and sends Jacob to stay with his Uncle Laban.

Now Uncle Laban has two daughters and Jacob is smitten with the younger one.  Her name is Rachel.  Jacob offers to work for Laban seven years in order to be able to marry Rachel.   Time just flew by because of the love Jacob had for Rachel.  But when it came time for the wedding, it was Leah instead.  The trickster had been tricked.  To make a long story short, he did get to marry Rachel. 

After a few years and several children, Jacob is told by God to return home.  Jacob gathers his family, servants and animals and sets out to return home.  Jacob sends messengers ahead to Easu asking to find favor.  The messengers return stating that Easu is on his way with four hundred men.  This scares Jacob to death.  He divides everyone with him into two groups.  This way if one group is attacked by Easu, maybe the other group can escape.  Jacob also selects goats, sheep, camels, cows and donkeys as gifts for Easu.  Jacob sends all this on ahead and he stays the night by himself at the camp.

During the night, Jacob was involved in a wrestling match until daybreak.  Jacob was strong and a good wrestler for being in the tent all the time.  The man could not overpower Jacob so he touched Jacob's hip socket and wrenched it.  The man begged to be let go since it was daybreak.  Jacob told the man not until the man blessed him.  The man asked Jacob what his name was.  Jacob told him.  The man told him that his new name would be Israel because he struggled with God and man and overcame.

Have you ever been in a wrestling match with God.  Maybe over something you know you are suppose to do or should do and don't.  People on diets wrestle all the time with what they should eat and what they want to eat.  People with dietary restrictions, such as diabetes, are the same way.  Maybe an addiction, you know it's not good for you but it is so difficult to stop.

I have wrestled with God.  I have wrestled with what His Word, the Bible, says.  There are two verses that I have wrestled with.  One I wrestled years with.  That verse is found in Exodus 20:12; Deuteronomy 5:16; Matthew 15:6; Matthew 19:19; Mark 7:10; Mark 10:19; Luke 18:20; and Ephesians 6:2.  These verses deal with honoring your father and your mother.

Now this is the first installment of a four-part series honoring the Month of the Child which is April and remembering those who are victims/survivors of child abuse.  April is also Child Abuse Awareness month.  So you will have to read my next blog "You Want Me To Do What!?" to see why I wrestled with this Scripture.

Overcomer through Christ,
Jeff

Partaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!

"Rejoice with those who rejoice..."

Romans 12:15 (New International Version)

A real short entry....

This month marks an one year anniversary for two events.

1.  I have not been admitted into the hospital for a year.  Only one trip to the emergency room for my breathing.  Thank you God.

2.  One year ago I quit drinking pop (in Pennsylvania it is called soda).  I did have a sip of Mt. Dew New Year's Eve and a half cup of orange soda New Year's Day.  I have had one 20 oz bottle of of lemon lime when my stomach was upset.

I can relate to people who have addictions.  I was a popaholic.  I could drink a 12 pack in a day and not realize it.  I still want a Diet Pepsi.  A Mt. Dew would be great, but when I saw what it did to my heart, I'll be glad to do without it.

If I can give up my pop, I think others who have addictions can give them up.  Cigarette addiction is a slow killer.  I am 100% positive that my health is due to second-hand smoke from my parents smoking when I was a kid.  So not only does smoking cigarettes hurt the smoker, but family members also. Now I am not a scientist and I have not done any research or studies, but in my mind that is what I believe.

Rejoicing,

Jeff

A New Chapter

Yesterday, Tuesday March 8, 2011, I started a new chapter in my life.  One I never imagined I would be writing this soon in my life.  But as I have written in the past two blogs, you never know what life...God...has in store.

Yesterday I resigned from the mental health agency that I had been with for 5 1/2 years.  We used the acronym ACRP.  The official name was Alternative Community Resource Program.  You can see why the letters ACRP are used.  It was a great agency to work for and I was planning to be with them for many years.  However, I was noticing that I wasn't able to perform my duties 100% due to my health.

I am now retired from the ministry/youth ministry even though I still preach and still work with the children at the church we attend.  And now, I am going into early retirement at 47 years old (48 in July).  It has been a long thought-out decision and process.

Of course I want to share Scripture with you.  Hebrews 12:2...

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus,

the author and perfecter of our faith,

who for the joy set before Him endured the cross,

scorning its shame,

and sat down at the right hand of God. (NIV)

Jesus is the author of our lives.  Have you ever seen the email "Where God puts a period, don't put a question mark."  What God says, do; don't question.  But as humans we like to question.  Young children go through the "why" phase.  Boy, is that an irritating phase!!!!  Some of us don't grow out of that phase and do the same with God. 

Moses questioned God when told to go lead the Israelites out of Egypt.  Gideon questioned God when told to fight the enemies of Israel.   Isaiah questioned God.  Ananias questioned God when told to go to Saul (Paul).  But notice that all these people were used by God.

What does God have in store for you?  Allow God to lead.  Commit your plans to God.  If it doesn't work out, overcome the disappointment and look for something else.

Trying to follow God's lead,

Jeff

Best laid plans....

I have always thought the saying was "the best laid plans of mice and men often go amiss".  But actually it is "the best laid schemes of mice and men/Go oft awry".  This is from a poem by Robert Burns.  John Steinbeck took a part of this phrase and wrote the famous book "Of Mice and Men".

Have you ever made plans and something has happened to change them?  You plan a day to go to the beach or an amusement park...and then it rains!  You plan to go on a vacation and something happens to the vehicle and you can't go.  You plan on going to relatives for Christmas and "bam!" a snow storm.  I'm sure you get the point now.

Twice, Jane and I planned on going to the Outer Banks to see the lighthouses and my cousin who lives in North Carolina.  Both times something happened with our van and we didn't get to go.  Therefore we stopped planning.  Remember the previous blog about unmet expectations being disappointments?  I was totally disappointed.

As children, we start making plans.  We always get asked that famous question "What do you want to be when you grow up?"  For years I wanted to be a teacher.  Then I wanted to be a preacher.  Then I wanted to be a psychologist.  Then I wanted to be a youth minister.  Then I wanted to be a deaf interpreter.  I have been a substitute teacher and a teacher's aide.  I have been a preacher and a youth minister.  I have been a deaf interpreter.  I have not been a pyschologist, but I did work for a mental health agency.

Notice all the phrases in the above paragraph have the words "have been".  Past tense.  Sometimes our plans are not God's plans.  That's why we need to read and remember Proverbs 16:3...

"Commit to the Lord whatever you do,

and your plans will succeed. (NIV)

I have had my plans changed many times in the last 25 years as an ordained minister.  But I always relied on Isaiah 40:31 "those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength; they shall mount upon wings as eagles; they shall walk and not be faint; they shall run and not become weary" (Jeff's paraphrase).  Then there is this verse in the book of Esther.  Mordecai says to his cousin Esther, after she becomes queen, that maybe she became queen when she did was to save her people (again my paraphrase).  He uses the words "for such a time as this" (Esther 4:14 New International Version).  Then I discovered Jeremiah 29:11...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,

"plans to propser you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future." (NIV)

I realize these last two blogs have been kind of "downers".  But I am working through some personal issues so I am trying to encourage myself and hopefully encourage you also.  Afterall, the Bible has many verses about encouraging one another.

Planning the next blog,

Jeff

Aching-Breaking Heart

Have you ever been disappointed?  We have all had disappointment.  It starts in childhood when we wanted something really bad for Christmas and didn't get it.  It continues in our school years when we study really hard only to get a lower grade than we were hoping for or expecting.  Then it carries over into adulthood.  We get a job, work our tails off only to be passed up for that raise or promotion.  It also spills over into our married life when our spouse does not meet our expetations.  And along come children who do something that disappoints us.

Disappointment is unmet expectations.  Children are taught about Santa Claus and think they are going to get everything they ask for/want for Christmas.  That's impossible...unmet expectations. 

We get married and have certain expectations of our spouse..."that's woman's work" or "that's his job".  There are many times I have disappointed my wife and there are times I expected her to do something and it doesn't happen.  We are long past the caveman/Tarzan days.  I would rather cook then do yard work.  My wife would rather be outside in the dirt then do housework.  I like to give friends a hard time when they do something nice for their wives telling them it gives us husbands a bad name.  But that is an expression of love to do for your spouse what they don't like to do.  We were created for each other.

We live in a world that's not fair.  How many times do you hear your children say that.  Or your spouse comes home and tells you they did not get the raise or promotion..."that's not fair".  Satan is the prince of this world and he doesn't play fair, therefore life isn't fair.

So the next time your heart has been broken here is a Scripture.  Write it down on a 3x5 notecard.  Tape it to yur computer monitor.  Slide it into the casing around your mirror.  Put it somewhere where you will see it often.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted

and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18 (New International Version)



And to you who have had disappointments with your work; to those who are facing financial disappointments; or maybe disappointments with family relationships; here is another Scripture for you...

And we know that in all things God works for the good

of those who love Him,

who have been called according to His purpose.

If you are not His child; if you have not been born again through immersion into baptism; you should not/cannot expect God to work things for the good.  "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!  The reason the worl does not know us is that it did not know Him." (1 John 3:1 New International Version).

Let Him heal your heart.

With a healing heart,

Jeff