Spare the rod, spoil the child

"He who spares the rod hates his son,

but he who loves him is careful to discipline him."

Proverbs 13:24 (New International Version)

When it comes to discipline, there are two different views.  One view is "violence breeds violence" so you don't hit a child.  Now this is true.  When my father was violent with me, I became violent with him and tried to fight back.  I also became violent with others.

The other camp is that children need discipline.  Proverbs 22:15 states that "Folly is bound up in a heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him." (New International Version) Folly is a Biblical word for foolishness.  From the adult perspective, children can act pretty foolish at times.

So to understand the difference from abuse and discipline, let's take a look at what discipline is.  Discipline means "to teach".  Punishment is exactly that.  A child is being punished for what they did.  So which makes more sense: to punish a child for doing wrong or teach the child what they did wrong so they will not repeat it.

Also, a child needs positive touches also.  Hugs. A pat on the back.  A high-five.  If you ever see a child flinch when someone goes to touch them, that could be a "red flag" that something isn't right with that relationship.  If a child receives positive touches, then when they are being disciplined they know they are still loved.  After the act of discipline, talk with the child to make sure they understand what they did wrong and why they were disciplined (why you didn't approve of what they did and what you prefer them to do right).

Abuse is when marks are left on the body.  Parents use many ways to abuse children.  Flyswatters leave marks.  Cigarettes.  If you see a perfect round mark on a child the size of a cigarette (again a "red flag").  Parents have sat their child in scalding water or their feet.

Abuse just isn't physical.  There is also verbal abuse, mental abuse and neglect.  These last three are harder to prove.  The following poster shows what is left behind in a child if the child survives the abuse.

When we were kids we used the little rhyme:  "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me".  WRONG!!!!  Names do hurt and leave emotional scars.

You Want Me To Do What?!

God, look at all I have done for you.  I have taught youth ever since I went to Bible college.  And You want me to do what?!  I have worked in two Christian schools.  And You want me to do what?!  I have been the minister for two churches. And You want me to do what?!  I have been the youth minister for three churches.  And you want me to do what?!  I was involved with church camp; I was a teacher, a dean, a representative, on the board of directors, and I even implemented a new camp for second graders.  And you want me to do what?!

There are some things that God asks/tells us to do through His Word in the Bible. Like for instance being immersed in baptism; that's easy enough.  Meeting around the Lord's table each week; that's easy enough.

But then there are some things that God asks/tells us to do that we argue with Him or question Him.  There are times that we wrestle with God's Word.  Moses did when he was told to go back to Egypt to lead the Hebrews out of slavery.  Abraham did when he was told he was going to have a child in his old age.  Gideon did when he was told to go fight the enemy.  Isaiah did when he was told to take God's message to the Israelites.

I have wrestled with God's Word.  For years I wrestled with the command to honor your father and mother.  I had my excuses just like Moses, Abraham, Gideon and Isaiah. 

Back in 1973, I was in the fifth grade.  My father was not able to work due to a back injury.  He had worked in a feed mill.  I don't remember what he did to hurt it, but I do remember him being in the hospital in traction for his back.  He also went through back surgery.  Unfortunately, medical advances weren't what they are now.

He also dealt with depression and suicidal tendencies.  He was in the psych ward numerous times.  He was also an alcoholic.  He would take his pain pills for his back with his beer.  He would overdose and my mom would rush him to the hospital to have his stomach pumped.  This occurred more than once.  He also would slit his wrist trying to commit suicide; but never deep enough to succeed.

Also in 1973 was the physical abuse.  One time he hit me with his cane.  It left a bruise on my left arm.  He told me if anyone asked what happened, to tell them I had a wreck on my bicycle (my parents had just bought me a new 26 inch 10 speed).

This abuse caused severe anger in me (before there was anger management classes).  I would try to fight back, but I was nine years old and he was 24 years older than me.  I was angry at him and I told him I couldn't wait until I was old enough to "cuss him out even if it was over his grave".  I had so much anger that I got in a fight with my best friend in sixth grade and hit him in the forehead with a stick, causing him to need stitches and causing me to get my first and only paddling in school.

Well, thankfully my mom wasn't going to put up with it anymore and we moved out.  In 1975 we moved in the house that my mom would later buy.  However, our landlady invited me to church.  I accepted and in 1976 I was baptized, immersed for the forgiveness of my sins and to receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.  God took the anger away.  However, I could not forget the abuse or forgive my father.

Every time I would here a lesson on honoring your father and mother I would think to myself "but you don't know what my father did to me".  I wasn't as open about the abuse then as I am now.  I even taught youth to honor their parents.  It was "do as I say and not as I do".  Then one time Jane and I were co-sponsors of a senior high youth group.  It was the other males sponsor's turn to have the lesson.  His lesson was on honoring your parents.  He made a statement that we need to honor our parents even though they were deceased.  Ouch! He stepped right on my toes.  Some of the wall was chipped away and I started to forgive.  You see, my father committed successfully committed suicide on March 25, 1977.

It was my eighth grade year.  I was in band class and my mom's best friend came to take me out of school.  I knew her and mom were spending the day together so I thought something had happened to mom.  We walked to the car and there was mom.  No explanation.  As we were driving out of town to my mom's friend's house, we had to pass my dad's place.  There was an ambulance there.  I said "there's an ambulance at dad's".  That's when mom told me he had shot himself.  My response: "Oh".

Then in the late 90s, I attended a support group for families of alcoholics.  A lady in our church was married to an alcoholic.  I attended with her to give her support.  As the sessions continued, it was me that was receiving support.  I started to open up and share.  Finally I was able to forgive.  I still haven't forgotten.

While studying for my Master degree, a fellow student stated that we were not victims but survivors.  Some don't survive the physical abuse.  Some survive the physical, but the mental scars may never heal...

Surviving,
Jeff

Wrestling with God

"So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak."

Genesis 32:24 (New International Version)

Jacob was quite a character.  Even while still in the womb he caused problems.  Jacob had a twin borther named Easu and while their mother was giving birth, Jacob had ahold of Easu's heel.  That's why he was named Jacob.

But let's go back before the conception of these two boys.  Their father was Isaac.  He was the promised child to Abraham and Sarah.  It was through Isaac that Abraham's descendants would be as numerous as the stars in the sky and the sand on the seashore.

Jacob and Easu were your typical siblings.  And even though they were twins, they wre nothing alike.  Esau like the outdoors and Jacob was...how shall I put it...well, he was a momma's boy.  So Rebecca (Jacob and Esau's mom) favored Jacob and Issac enjoyed the wild game that Easu brought home.

One time Easu had been out and came home famished.  He thought he was going to starve to death.  You know how dramatic kids can be when they are hungry.  Well Jacob was making a pot of stew.  Easu demanded Jacob to give him some of the stew.  Jacob made a deal with Easu that if Easu would give Jacob his birthright, then Jacob would give him some stew.  Now Esau was the firstborn, therefore making him the older twin.  The firstborn son always received this.  Easu is so hungry he can't think straight and asks what good will the birthright be if he starves to death.

Not only did the firstborn receive the birthright, but they also received a special blessing from the father.  One day Issac sends Easu out to get some wild game and then Issac would give Easu the blessing.  Well, Rebecca over hears this and devises a plan with Jacob.

Not only did Jacob and Easu have different interests, they were different physically.  Jacob was smooth-skinned while Easu was hairy.  Rebecca's plan was for Jacob to pretend to be Easu to get the blessing.  So he questions his mother's plan.  She tells him to go outside and kill two young goats and she is going to prepare them just as Issac likes them.  Then to make Jacob hairy like Easu, she put the goatskins on his hands and neck...just in case Issac would touch him.  Jacob also wore some of Easu's clothes to have the scent of Easu.

So Rebecca fixes the goats and bakes some bread, gives it to Jacob, and he takes it to Issac.  Jacob goes in and greets his father.  Issac is a little suspicious.  He asks how "Easu" (who is Jacob) returned so quickly.   Jacob lies and says that God gave it to him.  Issac then tells Jacob to come close so he could touch him.  Issac is still suspicious.  Issac states that the voice is that of Jacob but he is hairy like Easu.  Still being suspicious, Issac asks Jacob if he was really Easu.  Again Jacob lies and and answers "I am".  Issac ate and told Jacob to give him a kiss.  He smelled Easu's clothes and blessed Jacob.

Now the real Easu returns.  He fixes the food, brings it to his father and tells Issac to sit up and eat so he could receive the blessing.  Issac asks Easu who he was.  Easu answers, "your firstborn, Easu."  Issac tells Easu that he has already given a blessing.  Easu bursts out with a loud and bitter cry.

Issac dies and the period of mourning is observed.  Easu starts to plan to kill his brother Jacob after the period of mourning is finished.  Rebecca finds out and sends Jacob to stay with his Uncle Laban.

Now Uncle Laban has two daughters and Jacob is smitten with the younger one.  Her name is Rachel.  Jacob offers to work for Laban seven years in order to be able to marry Rachel.   Time just flew by because of the love Jacob had for Rachel.  But when it came time for the wedding, it was Leah instead.  The trickster had been tricked.  To make a long story short, he did get to marry Rachel. 

After a few years and several children, Jacob is told by God to return home.  Jacob gathers his family, servants and animals and sets out to return home.  Jacob sends messengers ahead to Easu asking to find favor.  The messengers return stating that Easu is on his way with four hundred men.  This scares Jacob to death.  He divides everyone with him into two groups.  This way if one group is attacked by Easu, maybe the other group can escape.  Jacob also selects goats, sheep, camels, cows and donkeys as gifts for Easu.  Jacob sends all this on ahead and he stays the night by himself at the camp.

During the night, Jacob was involved in a wrestling match until daybreak.  Jacob was strong and a good wrestler for being in the tent all the time.  The man could not overpower Jacob so he touched Jacob's hip socket and wrenched it.  The man begged to be let go since it was daybreak.  Jacob told the man not until the man blessed him.  The man asked Jacob what his name was.  Jacob told him.  The man told him that his new name would be Israel because he struggled with God and man and overcame.

Have you ever been in a wrestling match with God.  Maybe over something you know you are suppose to do or should do and don't.  People on diets wrestle all the time with what they should eat and what they want to eat.  People with dietary restrictions, such as diabetes, are the same way.  Maybe an addiction, you know it's not good for you but it is so difficult to stop.

I have wrestled with God.  I have wrestled with what His Word, the Bible, says.  There are two verses that I have wrestled with.  One I wrestled years with.  That verse is found in Exodus 20:12; Deuteronomy 5:16; Matthew 15:6; Matthew 19:19; Mark 7:10; Mark 10:19; Luke 18:20; and Ephesians 6:2.  These verses deal with honoring your father and your mother.

Now this is the first installment of a four-part series honoring the Month of the Child which is April and remembering those who are victims/survivors of child abuse.  April is also Child Abuse Awareness month.  So you will have to read my next blog "You Want Me To Do What!?" to see why I wrestled with this Scripture.

Overcomer through Christ,
Jeff